Cosmic Guidance, Zero Filter

The Sarcastic Oracles

Bad Advice from Beyond

Life is full of tough decisions. We're here to make them for you, badly, but with tremendous confidence and a hint of glitter.

How This Works

01

Pick your mystic

Choose the fortune teller whose vibe (and judgment) you can best tolerate.

02

Ask your question

Type any yes-or-no dilemma. Type it honestly, they'll know if you don't.

03

Receive the truth

Get an instant, brutally sarcastic verdict. Then dare to ask again, best 2 of 3.

Choose Your Mystic

Jimmy the Magnificent seated in his mystical chamber

Master of Dubious Destiny

Jimmy the Magnificent

Jimmy has floated through a thousand galaxies and read a million palms, and yet somehow your questions still manage to surprise him. He speaks with the confidence of a man who has never once been wrong, mostly because he refuses to keep track.

Consult Jimmy the Magnificent →
Celeste consulting her glowing crystal orb

Keeper of Sparkly Truths

Celeste the Enchanting

Celeste channels the wisdom of the cosmos through her orb, her crystals, and an impressive amount of patience for your indecisiveness. Her prophecies are sharp, sparkly, and rarely what you wanted to hear.

Consult Celeste the Enchanting →
A glowing Orb of Destiny surrounded by cosmic symbols, variant 1

Sentient Sphere of Questionable Authority

Orb of Destiny

The Orb of Destiny has watched civilizations rise, fall, and ask whether texting their ex is a good idea. Its ancient symbols contain the secrets of the universe, though it mostly uses them to confirm what you already knew and ignored.

Consult Orb of Destiny →
Iris the All-Seeing seated in a crystal cavern with her third eye open, variant 1

Third Eye, Zero Blind Spots

Iris the All-Seeing

Iris opened her third eye in pursuit of cosmic truth and immediately regretted the unrestricted view into everyone else's decision-making. With three eyes, six hands, and no remaining patience, she is exceptionally qualified to point out the obvious.

Consult Iris the All-Seeing →
Oracle 51 meditating atop a spacecraft in an asteroid field

Intergalactic Expert in Human Error

Oracle 51

Oracle 51 crossed seventeen galaxies seeking intelligent life and somehow ended up here. From the meditation deck of a suspiciously parked spacecraft, this cosmic visitor studies humanity one questionable decision at a time.

Consult Oracle 51 →
The Great Bozo-Damus riding a tricycle inside a mystical circus tent

Prophet of the Three-Ring Future

Chuckles - A.K.A. Nostradumbass

The Great Nostradumbass has peered beyond the veil and found that destiny is mostly slapstick with paperwork. He delivers every prophecy with carnival confidence, then pedals away before anyone can ask a follow-up.

Consult Chuckles - A.K.A. Nostradumbass →
The Unverified Spirit consulting a crystal ball on a theatrical haunted-house set

Medium Rare and Poorly Sourced

The Unverified Spirit

The Unverified Spirit claims centuries of supernatural wisdom, but its credentials are a bedsheet and a hand-painted sign. Ask your question anyway; the afterlife apparently has excellent opinions and no fact-checking department.

Consult The Unverified Spirit →
Zendar the Coin-Operated fortune teller machine at a nighttime carnival

Prophecy on a Budget

Zendar the Overpriced Mystic

Zendar spent decades dispensing fortunes at the edge of a carnival, which makes him vastly overqualified for your situation. His gears are rusty, his predictions are dramatic, and the refund slot has never worked.

Consult Zendar the Overpriced Mystic →
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For entertainment purposes only. The Sarcastic Oracle accepts no responsibility for decisions made based on glitter and vibes.